Last Chance

Last Chance 

By Jenna Ball

(Agent Cruz, a tired looking woman in her late thirties, is on a flight to Prague. Bored, she searches for a movie, pulling it up on her seatback screen, and presses play.)

Operator: Good afternoon, Agent Cruz. Best-Evil-Villain-Of-All-Time-Ian-Harkar™ has taken every world leader hostage at this year’s United Nations conference. He literally has the world under his tiny thumb. Seriously, how the heck did he get his baby sized hands on a shrink ray?! He has declared himself dictator of the universe, and demands the disbandment of all intelligence agencies, ordering their agents to pledge their loyalty to him. Otherwise the UN… (voice falters) Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to travel to the UN hall, and stop Harkar. The world is counting on you, Selena. Your regular team is waiting at a safe house in Prague. Agent Ethan Hunt has just taken a vacation, so he is not available. Thankfully, we replaced him with a new officer: Agent Jones. 

Cruz: (Groans)

Operator: This message will self-destruct in three seconds. (message explodes)

Cruz: (Square shoulders, breathes in and out as plane lands) Here we go.

(At the safehouse)

Agent Jones: (Paces rapidly. The Honda twins, Kagome and Fumiko, play cards with Agent Rochette. A much older, dapper gentleman sips his martini. He has not given his name.) It’s too late! We’ve lost. There’s nothing left to do. We’ve gone through every plan, from A to Z. Even plan ∞ didn’t work! We’re screwed. We might as well get out while we still can.

(Agent Cruz enters the room, her footsteps quiet)

Yeah, that’s it! Let’s go somewhere, uncharted. Like Kentucky–

Cruz: Bond.

James Bond: (Finishes his vesper martini, shaken, not stirred) But of course, Madame. (Slaps Jones) (Jones shuts up)

Cruz: Thank you. (All agents stand to attention) As you all know, we are the last chance the world has of stopping Ian Harkar. Jones is right; we have tried all possible plans. Except one. A plan so risky (her voice breaks) it could be suicidal.

(All are quiet)

Fumiko: A bomb?

Kagome: Blackmail?

Rochette: Poison?

James Bond: Whatever happens, Selena, we will be with you until the end.

Jones: As long as none of us die! (All glare at him) What?

Cruz: (Smiles sadly) Thank you, all of you. No, the plan, it comes from my own…experience with Harkar. I used to know him. Before he was a villain.

(All gasps)

 I’ll be bait for Harkar. While he's distracted, you all will grab the shrink ray. If all goes well, drinks are on me. If not, you all have to get out alive. We still need intelligence agents to take him down, right? Rochette, open the secret compartment. Girls, I need you to hold on to this until I give the signal. Until then, stay behind in the corridors.

Rochette: (Hesitates, but nods) Right away, boss. (Goes to a secret compartment, pulls out a giant box, air holes atop it) Good luck.

Cruz: The same to you, old friend. Let’s move out!

(At UN Hall)

(Cruz enters a small conference room. Her team stays in the corridor, guns and tasers ready. Kagome holds the box in her hands. Much to Jones’s horror, it moves)

Ian Harkar: Ah, Cruz. No more United States government to protect. No more third world countries to save! I have them all at my feet, right here, at the press of a button! (Plays with remote, which accidentally shrinks a potted plant) You all will bow to me now, Selena! Doing my every whim, solving my every problem! You’re gonna be in the palm of my hand– 

Cruz: Bond. 

James Bond: (Finishes writing his twentieth child support check) (slaps Harkar) (Goes back to writing his checks)

Harkar: I suppose I deserved that. No matter, my dear. You’ll be mine soon enough. Now, you all pledge your loyalty to me or the world goes ca-

Cruz: Now! 

Rochette and Hondas: (Rip open lid) 

Harkar: AHHH! (Something jumps out) HAHAHAHHA! That’s your master plan? It’s just a cat! You’re out of your minds if you think that thing cans stop me–

Cat: (Goes up to Harkar, purring) Meow. (Hypnotizes Harkar)

Cruz: Quick, while he’s distracted! (Fumiko binds him, while Jones tasers him. Kagome scoops up the cat, while Rochette and Bond clear the perimeter. Ascencion smiles, pocketing the remote.) Now, to find the UN ambassadors…

(The After Party)

Kagome: (Gives a toast) Alright! We did it, team! Jones: (Already drunk after one martini) Yeah! Did you see me, huh? Did ya? (singsong voice) I saved the day, I saved the day… (continues his incoherent song) Everyone: Bond! James Bond: (Shoots a fake gun at audience) (slaps Jones as curtains swing shut)